2003-07-04 - 12:35 a.m.
Nary a Hair Removed by Nefarious Nair©
I work at a pool. Therefore, I must spend a fair amount of time in a bathing suit. This necessitates the need to shave. No big deal, right? Ha. I laugh at thee.
Firstly, I should mention that I’m really pale. As in, people are blinded when the sun is reflected off my pasty arms and legs (when I’m not sunburned and subsequently lobster red, that is). Secondly, I have dark hair. When these two forces combine, it means that I could shave every hour on the hour, and I would still look like I hadn’t shaved in a week. The dark hair follicles (or whatever they are) are just really visible against my skin. At least with my legs, it’s not too bad. Even under my arms, it’s not a big deal. I mean, I’m not walking around with my arms over my head all the time. But the, shall we say, bikini area, is a different story.
I’ve always shaved, but no little tricks with the razor ever seem to work. Instead, they usually just leave me with a million little cuts and red bumps. So the other week, I decided I’d had enough with shaving. It was time to try something a little more drastic. And since waxing scares the pants off me, and I’m not about to sit down with a pair of tweezers, a depilatory cream seemed my best bet. Enter Nair©.
“Oh look,” I said when I was in the store, “it specifically says ‘for bikini area,’ and it’s got almond oil and other shit in it too.” So, with the promise of moisturized, exfoliated and hairless skin, I waltzed out of the store and went home to try it out.
Attempt #1
I followed the directions to a T. I even laid a warm, wet washcloth on the soon-to-be-removed hair to open up the pores, as the bottle suggested. Then, I slathered on a “thick and even” coating of the product. After five minutes, I removed a tiny test patch to see if the hair was coming off. No luck. But the bottle said to do a test bit, and so I did. At the ten minute mark, I washed all of the cream off, as the bottle said “ Do Not Leave On For More Than 10 Minutes ”. I could count the hairs that came off on one hand. Dammit. However, I realized that since I had recently shaved, it might be harder to remove shorter hair, and by waiting a few days until my next attempt, I might have better success
Attempt #2
I didn’t shave for as long as I could stand. I opened up the pores as much as I could. I put on even more of the cream. I still followed the directions exactly. Nothing came off after five minutes. Very little came off after ten minutes. Dammit. “Still,” thought I, “maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I should use more product.”
Attempt #3
I didn’t shave for as long as I could stand again. I took a bath beforehand, so my pores would be as open as possible. I dumped a whole bunch of cream on. This time though, I took a looser interpretation of the directions. Nothing came off after five minutes, and very little came off after ten minutes. But I found that more hair came off when I scrubbed the skin, which was verboten according to the bottle. And then I had an idea. “Maybe, if I leave the stuff on for longer, and rub really hard, it’ll work.”
Attempt #4
By now, I had about half a bottle of the stuff left. Again, I took a bath to open the pores. This time though, I fucking drowned the little hairs in the cream. There was like over half an inch of product covering the targeted areas. I didn’t even bother with the test patch this time. I waited for about fifteen minutes, and then nearly rubbed the skin raw. It was the most successful attempt, and yet there was still a fair amount of hair left. By now, I had given up all hope. Not even ignoring the directions was helping me. You would think that soaking your hair in acid would remove it, and more acid and a longer soaking time would remove more hair. This sadly though, was not the case. It took some serious elbow grease to get the hairs to give up their death grips. “Well,” I thought, “maybe I’ll just take a nice hydrochloric acid bath. I’m sure that would work.”
And thus endith the Great Experiment. I guess I’ll just go back to shaving every hour.
©2003By M.E. It's ok to look, but just don't touch. Or steal for that matter.
